yes another one

ok so I know this will be my third post today but I am in a writing mood. I dont know whether its the atmosphere out here on the balcony looking at the ocean enjoying the breeze and the sun or the wine that I am drinking but never the less the words are flowing so lets go with it....

So I am working on my last two assignments of the semester, I dont think I have mentioned this before but I am actually studying. It does take the back seat to everything else that goes on in my life but I am trying to get through the year so far pretty unscathed. However not sure that I am in the right course to begin with. I am currently studying a masters of education and although it has been interesting and I have learnt a great deal I feel like I am out of my depth and probably should have started with something a little more simple. I am considering taking a year off next year and doing a certificate in TESOL teaching as that is ultimately what I want to do. That is the goal to get overseas and teach and apparently all I need is a cert in TESOL so I am looking into that as we speak.

It is literally only 6 weeks until I fly off on my adventure of a lifetime to Cambodia and Thailand I am really looking forward to this trip. It has been a mammoth journey just getting it organized and I know that it will be amazing and life changing so I am starting to let myself get excited about it now. I will definately be writing about my adventures while I am over there considering I will be by myself and will have no one to talk to!

When I get back from my travels I will be looking fervently for a new job and life will start to change for the better hopefully I wont be stressed and I wont be hating every day not that I am now but mostly I feel a huge burden waking up and knowing I have to go to my job for the day.

I love my life, I love what God has done in it and I look forward to what he will do in the future! I know there are many more adventures to come for me and him.

Until next time...

redirection

This morning I wrote a blog asking what fruit has come out of one year of being a church for my current church. After celebrating today at the one year anniversary with the church and hearing about the journey I realized that the fruit is in the every persons life. Everyone who has come in contact with this church has had God do something amazing in their lives including me. Thats enough isn't it? thats perfect fruit and its fruit ordained by God.

The question that got asked of me today was who are you to question what fruit the vine produces? all you have to see is that the vine produces fruit. It doesn't matter what kind it is. I was humbled by this question that God asked of me and I realized that I was being judgmental in my place of safety and should really be asking myself what kind of fruit am I producing in my life? What is God doing in my life or should it be what am I doing for God in my life?

These are hard questions and I have some answers floating around which I will pin down eventually but I think now its time to stop looking at others and start looking at myself. I was reminded of that scripture that says before you point out the spek in your brothers eyes look at the plank in your own.

So my plan is to celebrate the fruit no matter what kind it is, we need many different fruits to make a fruit salad right? lol

I'm all for fruit diversity!

Where is the fruit?

Well there was a lot of things I wanted to blog about today but instead I am going to talk about the first thing that is on my mind Church.

We have recently been going to a new church, we must have been going for a few months now and we love this new church it has been a real blessing for us. It has ministered to us and fed us and God has been in it and its been great. Of course there are things that kind of make us cringe about it and the way they do things but we are trying to look past those things and just worship God since thats what its all about isnt it?

So today is the first year anniversary of this church, they are a young church a church plant still and today marks their one year anniversary so they are having a big celebration and although I am very happy for them that they have made it this far I also have to ask what have they done with this year? What fruit do they have to show from a year of working for the kingdom?

Maybe I shouldnt be so critical, maybe I shouldnt pick everything apart like this but I cant help it, thats what I do.

Although I know this church is a gift from God and I want to accept it whole heartedly the good and the bad there is a part of me something in my heart that wont/cant do it. I cant commit to this church whole heartedly, I dont know whether its me or them? My question is where is the fruit? what kind of fruit are we producing? DO I WANT TO MAKE THAT KIND OF FRUIT?

Is that so unreasonable to ask?

a dream day

Today was a dream day, a day that you dream of... It was beautiful weather, the sun was shining it was warm and bright. It also happens to be my little sisters 20th birthday! I cant believe that my little ashleigh is 20 years old today, I remember when she was brought home as a little bundle and I was so excited that I had my little baby sister and I loved her from the moment I met her. I still love her more than anything else and I have loved every minutes of those 20 years that we have had together and I look forward to all the years ahead of us that we will share. She makes my life worthwhile.

We had a beautiful day together down on the harbour at the Opera bar sipping wine in the sunshine and just relaxing together it was amazing it was exactly the kind of way that you dream of spending your sunday afternoon. We are off to church tonight where Ash is singing in worship which is amazing in itself and I look forward to the day when she is leading worship. I know thats her calling on her life and I am so proud of her that she is stepping into that.

Right now everything is so unstable and all over the place it is causing me stress but I am trusting in God and going with the flow stepping up and stepping back when I feel Gods calling. I know that God is doing loads of stuff at the moment in my life and I am just standing back and letting him do his thing and waiting for his call before I move. I'm looking forward to the end of this season when I can see a little more of the picture but right now I continue to trust in God and follow him wherever he leads me.

Until next time stay tuned....

the next leap of faith

well once again I have been standing on the ledge looking at the big ball that has been coming closer and closer waiting for my moment to jump onto it and tonight I left the ledge. The feeling of nervousness yet excitement as I sail through the air and wait for the moment of contact with the ball is one of the most scariest yet amazing feeling ever. I have made another life changing decision. I have jumped onto another stepping stone of my life.

I will be the manager of Burwood Salvation Army Employment Plus.

I cant believe I am doing this but I know its the right thing its always been the right thing and I know this is who I am supposed to be. I have the right to do this, I have the authority to do this and I can do this so I will!

I'll let you know how it all goes!

When you cant speak you remember the moments

So I have lost my voice there is nothing there but a whisper so I have not been doing all the talking I am accustomed to. However my brain has been racing as usual and lots of thought have been flooding through there with nowhere to go so here I am letting my fingers do the talking.

So whats been going on? where do I even begin. So my boss or "he" as he has come to be reffered as, has been causing havoc in my heart and my brain. Although he is all I think about 24/7 he has supposedly left the office and my life now. Friday last week was supposed to be his last day but he is playing games and there is no official end date to when he will leave the office. He has taken some leave but will apparently come back at the end of this week for what I don't know just to cause me grief I am starting to believe. Friday was awful, he avoided me all day, there was no joking, no laughing, no singing and definately no moments and then he just ran out early leaving everyone in the lurch as to whether that would be the last time we would see him or not. I was gutted and although I held it together as soon as I was alone my heart broke and I just cried and cried only to find out he hasn't officially left and will be back so we can do it all again this week and then maybe again the week after that.

I dont know what is going to happen there, I dont know where I stand with him, I dont know what I feel about him but what I do know is he is all I think about. I think about the things he has said to me, the way he has looked at me, the slight touches we have shared. His face is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I open them again the next morning. He is with me every night in my dreams. I long for one more moment, one more touch, look, laugh, song anything with him. I know none of it is real and there is no future in this at all, he was a fantasy, a fantasy that was never meant to be real. I cant work out with I am in love with him or just the idea of him. But the biggest question in my head is does it even matter? It will all be over soon, he will be gone and most likely we will never see or speak to each other again and all I will have is now, these moments, these fantasies, these dreams and what is wrong with that right?

At the same time that tears me up inside because of who I am and what I believe. I believe that love is forever, when you love someone you want to be in a relationship with them you want to love them forever. I guess this is not love then right? I dont want to love him forever, I just want to love him for a moment. I have had this moment, it was fun, it was romantic, it was crazy and stupid. I loved this moment! He didnt need to love me back in that moment all he needed to do was come along and he did! He met me there in that moment and we shared it together and it was fabulous and thats all I need right now. I will miss this moment, I will miss him in this moment but I was always remember this moment and look back at it with fondness and love. I always knew this moment wouldnt go on forever because thats not the nature of a moment.

Now I need to find a new moment, move on to my next moment in life whatever that will be...

I love this life!

its over

ok well today I have to say I am a bit sad....

I shouldn't be sad, in fact I should be happy as today my dilema has solved itself and I have come through with my integrity in tact. I am actually proud of myself, I managed to make it through the month of confusion and temptation without being tempted. I couldn't control my heart completely it felt what it felt and that I cant deny but I did control my mind and my body. I managed to not act on what my heart was feeling.

He has left and now I have to deal with my feelings.

I will be ok, I had a little cry, I will eat some chocolate and drink some wine and I will overcome this and I will be thankful for the time that I had and the moments that we shared and I will always be grateful that I never touched what wasn't mine.

Thats all I have to say about that!

Jess