When you cant speak you remember the moments

So I have lost my voice there is nothing there but a whisper so I have not been doing all the talking I am accustomed to. However my brain has been racing as usual and lots of thought have been flooding through there with nowhere to go so here I am letting my fingers do the talking.

So whats been going on? where do I even begin. So my boss or "he" as he has come to be reffered as, has been causing havoc in my heart and my brain. Although he is all I think about 24/7 he has supposedly left the office and my life now. Friday last week was supposed to be his last day but he is playing games and there is no official end date to when he will leave the office. He has taken some leave but will apparently come back at the end of this week for what I don't know just to cause me grief I am starting to believe. Friday was awful, he avoided me all day, there was no joking, no laughing, no singing and definately no moments and then he just ran out early leaving everyone in the lurch as to whether that would be the last time we would see him or not. I was gutted and although I held it together as soon as I was alone my heart broke and I just cried and cried only to find out he hasn't officially left and will be back so we can do it all again this week and then maybe again the week after that.

I dont know what is going to happen there, I dont know where I stand with him, I dont know what I feel about him but what I do know is he is all I think about. I think about the things he has said to me, the way he has looked at me, the slight touches we have shared. His face is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I open them again the next morning. He is with me every night in my dreams. I long for one more moment, one more touch, look, laugh, song anything with him. I know none of it is real and there is no future in this at all, he was a fantasy, a fantasy that was never meant to be real. I cant work out with I am in love with him or just the idea of him. But the biggest question in my head is does it even matter? It will all be over soon, he will be gone and most likely we will never see or speak to each other again and all I will have is now, these moments, these fantasies, these dreams and what is wrong with that right?

At the same time that tears me up inside because of who I am and what I believe. I believe that love is forever, when you love someone you want to be in a relationship with them you want to love them forever. I guess this is not love then right? I dont want to love him forever, I just want to love him for a moment. I have had this moment, it was fun, it was romantic, it was crazy and stupid. I loved this moment! He didnt need to love me back in that moment all he needed to do was come along and he did! He met me there in that moment and we shared it together and it was fabulous and thats all I need right now. I will miss this moment, I will miss him in this moment but I was always remember this moment and look back at it with fondness and love. I always knew this moment wouldnt go on forever because thats not the nature of a moment.

Now I need to find a new moment, move on to my next moment in life whatever that will be...

I love this life!