Where is the fruit?

Well there was a lot of things I wanted to blog about today but instead I am going to talk about the first thing that is on my mind Church.

We have recently been going to a new church, we must have been going for a few months now and we love this new church it has been a real blessing for us. It has ministered to us and fed us and God has been in it and its been great. Of course there are things that kind of make us cringe about it and the way they do things but we are trying to look past those things and just worship God since thats what its all about isnt it?

So today is the first year anniversary of this church, they are a young church a church plant still and today marks their one year anniversary so they are having a big celebration and although I am very happy for them that they have made it this far I also have to ask what have they done with this year? What fruit do they have to show from a year of working for the kingdom?

Maybe I shouldnt be so critical, maybe I shouldnt pick everything apart like this but I cant help it, thats what I do.

Although I know this church is a gift from God and I want to accept it whole heartedly the good and the bad there is a part of me something in my heart that wont/cant do it. I cant commit to this church whole heartedly, I dont know whether its me or them? My question is where is the fruit? what kind of fruit are we producing? DO I WANT TO MAKE THAT KIND OF FRUIT?

Is that so unreasonable to ask?

a dream day

Today was a dream day, a day that you dream of... It was beautiful weather, the sun was shining it was warm and bright. It also happens to be my little sisters 20th birthday! I cant believe that my little ashleigh is 20 years old today, I remember when she was brought home as a little bundle and I was so excited that I had my little baby sister and I loved her from the moment I met her. I still love her more than anything else and I have loved every minutes of those 20 years that we have had together and I look forward to all the years ahead of us that we will share. She makes my life worthwhile.

We had a beautiful day together down on the harbour at the Opera bar sipping wine in the sunshine and just relaxing together it was amazing it was exactly the kind of way that you dream of spending your sunday afternoon. We are off to church tonight where Ash is singing in worship which is amazing in itself and I look forward to the day when she is leading worship. I know thats her calling on her life and I am so proud of her that she is stepping into that.

Right now everything is so unstable and all over the place it is causing me stress but I am trusting in God and going with the flow stepping up and stepping back when I feel Gods calling. I know that God is doing loads of stuff at the moment in my life and I am just standing back and letting him do his thing and waiting for his call before I move. I'm looking forward to the end of this season when I can see a little more of the picture but right now I continue to trust in God and follow him wherever he leads me.

Until next time stay tuned....

the next leap of faith

well once again I have been standing on the ledge looking at the big ball that has been coming closer and closer waiting for my moment to jump onto it and tonight I left the ledge. The feeling of nervousness yet excitement as I sail through the air and wait for the moment of contact with the ball is one of the most scariest yet amazing feeling ever. I have made another life changing decision. I have jumped onto another stepping stone of my life.

I will be the manager of Burwood Salvation Army Employment Plus.

I cant believe I am doing this but I know its the right thing its always been the right thing and I know this is who I am supposed to be. I have the right to do this, I have the authority to do this and I can do this so I will!

I'll let you know how it all goes!

When you cant speak you remember the moments

So I have lost my voice there is nothing there but a whisper so I have not been doing all the talking I am accustomed to. However my brain has been racing as usual and lots of thought have been flooding through there with nowhere to go so here I am letting my fingers do the talking.

So whats been going on? where do I even begin. So my boss or "he" as he has come to be reffered as, has been causing havoc in my heart and my brain. Although he is all I think about 24/7 he has supposedly left the office and my life now. Friday last week was supposed to be his last day but he is playing games and there is no official end date to when he will leave the office. He has taken some leave but will apparently come back at the end of this week for what I don't know just to cause me grief I am starting to believe. Friday was awful, he avoided me all day, there was no joking, no laughing, no singing and definately no moments and then he just ran out early leaving everyone in the lurch as to whether that would be the last time we would see him or not. I was gutted and although I held it together as soon as I was alone my heart broke and I just cried and cried only to find out he hasn't officially left and will be back so we can do it all again this week and then maybe again the week after that.

I dont know what is going to happen there, I dont know where I stand with him, I dont know what I feel about him but what I do know is he is all I think about. I think about the things he has said to me, the way he has looked at me, the slight touches we have shared. His face is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I open them again the next morning. He is with me every night in my dreams. I long for one more moment, one more touch, look, laugh, song anything with him. I know none of it is real and there is no future in this at all, he was a fantasy, a fantasy that was never meant to be real. I cant work out with I am in love with him or just the idea of him. But the biggest question in my head is does it even matter? It will all be over soon, he will be gone and most likely we will never see or speak to each other again and all I will have is now, these moments, these fantasies, these dreams and what is wrong with that right?

At the same time that tears me up inside because of who I am and what I believe. I believe that love is forever, when you love someone you want to be in a relationship with them you want to love them forever. I guess this is not love then right? I dont want to love him forever, I just want to love him for a moment. I have had this moment, it was fun, it was romantic, it was crazy and stupid. I loved this moment! He didnt need to love me back in that moment all he needed to do was come along and he did! He met me there in that moment and we shared it together and it was fabulous and thats all I need right now. I will miss this moment, I will miss him in this moment but I was always remember this moment and look back at it with fondness and love. I always knew this moment wouldnt go on forever because thats not the nature of a moment.

Now I need to find a new moment, move on to my next moment in life whatever that will be...

I love this life!

its over

ok well today I have to say I am a bit sad....

I shouldn't be sad, in fact I should be happy as today my dilema has solved itself and I have come through with my integrity in tact. I am actually proud of myself, I managed to make it through the month of confusion and temptation without being tempted. I couldn't control my heart completely it felt what it felt and that I cant deny but I did control my mind and my body. I managed to not act on what my heart was feeling.

He has left and now I have to deal with my feelings.

I will be ok, I had a little cry, I will eat some chocolate and drink some wine and I will overcome this and I will be thankful for the time that I had and the moments that we shared and I will always be grateful that I never touched what wasn't mine.

Thats all I have to say about that!

Jess

dilemas dilemas

well I was going to apologize for my lack of updates but then I read everyone else that I follow doing the same thing to start off their blogs and I didnt feel so bad.


So instead of wasting any more time I am just going to launch into everything that has been going on that I can remember to write about. First of all this month has been one of dilemas, I have been faced with a series of dilemas whether they be moral or physical or money based they were all very challenging and very stretching. I had some huge decisions to make. So I am going to start with my latest ones because of course they are the freshest ones on my list....

The first one is very juicy and almost too naughty to even put out there in cyber space but I am going to do it anyway there are only two people in the whole world who know about this and now there will be considerably more than that (if people actually read this thing). So I have a secret crush on my married, 40 year old, father of 3, boss. God it sounds so bad when I put it like that. I know that its all very dramatic and most of all I know that its wrong. I would never act on it that would be adultry and I am not an adultress. I have contemplated whether having the thoughts still counts as adultry, and I dont really have an answer well i do but I dont like it. I am trying very hard to forget about all of this and put it out of my head but its not that easy. This has been building and building from day one which was about 6 months ago now. We have a really good realationship, we bounce things of each other, laugh and joke around, share the same dreams and passions and have deep and meaningful conversations. He has been a real support and inspiration to me and I just cant stop thinking about him. Every look, every touch, every laugh means something huge and its just driving me nuts. I know this is all very bad and I know that I need to fix this situation but he is leaving in four weeks to start a new job and he will no longer be my boos anymore so I am hoping that if I can just hold on for another 4 weeks then he will be gone and so will this.

Anyway so thats my biggest moral dilema at the moment which I struggle with every day.

My other dilema is a little more positive, I am considering starting my own business to take over to Thailand with me so that I can be a teacher and a tutor to kids so they can learn to read, write and speak English. I want to register my business name this week but I am just not sure if its the right time to do that since we are so far away from actually moving to thailand but again my boss has been encouraging me that it would be a good idea and because i care so much about his opinion I am swayed to do it. I have till friday to make up my mind according to him.

Ok well I think thats enough honesty for tonight its making me uncomfortable now....
Now I gotta go to class and learn about assessment and forget all about all of this until tomorrow when we will do it all over again.
Jess

new beginnings

well so much has been happening I havent even had the chance to write it all out. But I feel like I am on the edge of a new beginning. Life is changing and I know that things in my life are dying and things are being born. Its a very exciting but also difficult, I have gained things but I have also lost things.

However the thing I am most excited about at the moment is I am so inspired. There are so many things in my life right now that are just inspiring and uplifting and encouraging me to keep going and see whats coming. Not to fear what is ahead but to be excited and anticipate whats happening.

I learnt about a blogger today who started a blog called 1000 awesome things, he basically documented all the little moments in life when you say thats awesome like when you see a good cloud or you watch a baby smile while asleep. Little things in life that make you happy, keep you positive and enjoying life. I loved this idea and have decided to try and do something similiar, I will attempt to document all the simple pleasures in my life that keep me smiling in the hopes that they will make you smile too. Whoever it is that reads this thing.

So starting with today, my moment that made me smile today was walking in the sunshine while talking with some very good company (the company is for another blog, but hint hint its a guy).

Thats it for today but I will keep you updated!