a dream day

Today was a dream day, a day that you dream of... It was beautiful weather, the sun was shining it was warm and bright. It also happens to be my little sisters 20th birthday! I cant believe that my little ashleigh is 20 years old today, I remember when she was brought home as a little bundle and I was so excited that I had my little baby sister and I loved her from the moment I met her. I still love her more than anything else and I have loved every minutes of those 20 years that we have had together and I look forward to all the years ahead of us that we will share. She makes my life worthwhile.

We had a beautiful day together down on the harbour at the Opera bar sipping wine in the sunshine and just relaxing together it was amazing it was exactly the kind of way that you dream of spending your sunday afternoon. We are off to church tonight where Ash is singing in worship which is amazing in itself and I look forward to the day when she is leading worship. I know thats her calling on her life and I am so proud of her that she is stepping into that.

Right now everything is so unstable and all over the place it is causing me stress but I am trusting in God and going with the flow stepping up and stepping back when I feel Gods calling. I know that God is doing loads of stuff at the moment in my life and I am just standing back and letting him do his thing and waiting for his call before I move. I'm looking forward to the end of this season when I can see a little more of the picture but right now I continue to trust in God and follow him wherever he leads me.

Until next time stay tuned....

the next leap of faith

well once again I have been standing on the ledge looking at the big ball that has been coming closer and closer waiting for my moment to jump onto it and tonight I left the ledge. The feeling of nervousness yet excitement as I sail through the air and wait for the moment of contact with the ball is one of the most scariest yet amazing feeling ever. I have made another life changing decision. I have jumped onto another stepping stone of my life.

I will be the manager of Burwood Salvation Army Employment Plus.

I cant believe I am doing this but I know its the right thing its always been the right thing and I know this is who I am supposed to be. I have the right to do this, I have the authority to do this and I can do this so I will!

I'll let you know how it all goes!

When you cant speak you remember the moments

So I have lost my voice there is nothing there but a whisper so I have not been doing all the talking I am accustomed to. However my brain has been racing as usual and lots of thought have been flooding through there with nowhere to go so here I am letting my fingers do the talking.

So whats been going on? where do I even begin. So my boss or "he" as he has come to be reffered as, has been causing havoc in my heart and my brain. Although he is all I think about 24/7 he has supposedly left the office and my life now. Friday last week was supposed to be his last day but he is playing games and there is no official end date to when he will leave the office. He has taken some leave but will apparently come back at the end of this week for what I don't know just to cause me grief I am starting to believe. Friday was awful, he avoided me all day, there was no joking, no laughing, no singing and definately no moments and then he just ran out early leaving everyone in the lurch as to whether that would be the last time we would see him or not. I was gutted and although I held it together as soon as I was alone my heart broke and I just cried and cried only to find out he hasn't officially left and will be back so we can do it all again this week and then maybe again the week after that.

I dont know what is going to happen there, I dont know where I stand with him, I dont know what I feel about him but what I do know is he is all I think about. I think about the things he has said to me, the way he has looked at me, the slight touches we have shared. His face is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I open them again the next morning. He is with me every night in my dreams. I long for one more moment, one more touch, look, laugh, song anything with him. I know none of it is real and there is no future in this at all, he was a fantasy, a fantasy that was never meant to be real. I cant work out with I am in love with him or just the idea of him. But the biggest question in my head is does it even matter? It will all be over soon, he will be gone and most likely we will never see or speak to each other again and all I will have is now, these moments, these fantasies, these dreams and what is wrong with that right?

At the same time that tears me up inside because of who I am and what I believe. I believe that love is forever, when you love someone you want to be in a relationship with them you want to love them forever. I guess this is not love then right? I dont want to love him forever, I just want to love him for a moment. I have had this moment, it was fun, it was romantic, it was crazy and stupid. I loved this moment! He didnt need to love me back in that moment all he needed to do was come along and he did! He met me there in that moment and we shared it together and it was fabulous and thats all I need right now. I will miss this moment, I will miss him in this moment but I was always remember this moment and look back at it with fondness and love. I always knew this moment wouldnt go on forever because thats not the nature of a moment.

Now I need to find a new moment, move on to my next moment in life whatever that will be...

I love this life!

its over

ok well today I have to say I am a bit sad....

I shouldn't be sad, in fact I should be happy as today my dilema has solved itself and I have come through with my integrity in tact. I am actually proud of myself, I managed to make it through the month of confusion and temptation without being tempted. I couldn't control my heart completely it felt what it felt and that I cant deny but I did control my mind and my body. I managed to not act on what my heart was feeling.

He has left and now I have to deal with my feelings.

I will be ok, I had a little cry, I will eat some chocolate and drink some wine and I will overcome this and I will be thankful for the time that I had and the moments that we shared and I will always be grateful that I never touched what wasn't mine.

Thats all I have to say about that!

Jess