Monday

Ok so the weekend is done, it was a pretty good weekend I must say. I really enjoyed staying at home and having some R&R time out as well as getting some productive things done so I am happy!

However here we are at Monday again, the dreaded first day of the week. The day you have to face reality again and go back to doing the things you hate doing. I am just praying this will be one of my last weeks at this job. I have a phone interview on thursday with a job at Flight Centre being a travel agent which sounds very promising and I really want the job so fingers crossed that goes well and I get the job and get out of here. I have no idea how I have put up with my job for so long. Its been over a year now, and about 9 months of that year have been hell.

So anyway just a short one today to say I hate mondays but I will face it anyway!

Grey days are inevitable, but there is always bubble baths and Lady Grey Tea!

ok well today is one of those days that we all have every now and then, you know they are out there on the horizon somewhere and its just a matter of time until one strikes you and you better believe when it does it strikes you hard.

So heres how my grey day started,

I woke up relatively late for me, around 9:30am which I was pretty happy about after all its saturday right? I got up feeling a little out of sorts after having another bad night of bad dreams and waking up periodically through out the night. It was grey and rainy outside which just added to my bad day. I sat on the couch for a while trying to wake up while my parents who are living with us at the moment(thats another story) pottered around the house asking me questions that were clearly out of my mental capacity to answer at that time. I switched on the TV while I drank tea and ate toast but there was nothing on as usual so I deliberated on what I should do with my day, considering it was overcast and short bursts of rain were frequenting over the balcony I knew it had to be something indoors and not to far away.

I decided I should go and get dressed and head out at around 11am, thinking I would just be able to throw something on and head out the door but I should have known better. First of all I couldn't find my other sock, I searched through the whole house asking everyone and getting the same response "I dont know" which you just hate when you need to find something. Finally I gave up on the socks and decided to wear different shoes but then my mum found her socks and offered them to me so I decided to go back to wearing my cons. As I was getting my shoes on I realized that I had given my bus pass to my sister last night so she could go out and so therefore had no way of getting to the shopping centre I had decided to go to and buy my sorrows away. My Dad offered to give me some money to get to the shopping centre but then asked me to buy my mum a weekly bus pass (which again is another story) and I could use that to get back. It all got very complicated and a simple get dressed and head out the door to see where I ended up was becoming a trip of running errands and things to do which I hate. Finally someone said something which just pushed me over the edge and I just lost it bursting into tears and running into my room throwing everything down and exclaiming rather dramatically "now I cant go anywhere!"

Luckily my mum in her inifinite powers was able to calm me down and suggested I go for a walk around the bay to calm down before heading off to the shops and not to worry about getting anything if I didnt want to. So I decided to do that, I wondered down to the bay taking deep breaths and fighting back the tears. I texted my sister and my best friend asking if they could meet me this afternoon for coffee both of which rejected for some reason or another which just made me feel even better. So I sat there at the bay feeling sorry for myself not even able to see the boats from the tears in my eyes.

As I sat there trying to calm down it started to rain, at first it wasnt to bad but still bad enough to make me get up and start walking back, as I rounded into the open area it just started to pour completly soaking me as I had also given my umbrella to my sister last night so I was stranded in the pouring rain crying and all alone I didnt think things could get any better from there.

As I trudged up the hill in the pouring rain barely able to see in front of me I called out to God to save me from this never ending misery and take me away back to Siem Reap where I belonged. The usual cry of mine lately.

When I got home my mum just looked at me and laughed as she hugged me and wiped the tears and rain out of my eyes and said, "Jess, my poor little baby just go and have a big long bath and you will feel better!" I cried some more and hugged her back and did exactly what she said as she is my mother and she always knows best.

So I ran a big hot bubble bath, got out all my smelly candels, put on some jazz and floated away letting the soothing water and the sound of those women singing about love and loss take me away and it was great! Just what I needed.

So now I am sitting here with a pot of Lady Grey Tea, all clean and smelling nice and the rain is behind me as I leave it there and think about my future, the future I know God has prepared for me and he WILL get me there someday. Until then there is always bubble baths and Lady Grey Tea.

my how time flies

well it certainly has been a long time since I blogged. So much has happened since then that I dont even know where to begin....

I guess at the beginning, so here's the story

I went to Cambodia to volunteer in November last year and my placement was at a little community School called SHCC (http://www.shcccambodia.org/) and it was perfect. Everything about it was what I had always dreamt of doing, it was like someone had created a life for me and it was just waiting for me to come and find it and I finally did.

From Day 1 I felt at home there, I felt like I belonged in this little community outside of Siem Reap with these beautiful children and kind hearted people. So I got to work helping the Director of the centre Sambath Chourn to build his dream that he had been working on tirelessly for three years. I was in my element loving every day of being there, not wanting it to ever end yet looking forward to the next day to see what it would bring me.

I had the best four weeks of my life in Siem Reap and I fell in love with the place and the people especially one person, Sambath. I didnt even realize what was happening but we spent all day every day together at the school and worked closely and I just thought he was appreciative of the work I was doing for him but then he started to come to the lodge after work and spending time with me outside of school and outside of work and we got to know each other as people and just like everything else it felt so right.

We got close in the time that I was there and I really didnt want to say goodbye but finally the day came when I had to say goodbye and it broke my heart. I will never in my life forget the hug he gave me as we said our goodbyes for the last time, it was a hug that was filled with despair and desperation as he squeezed me so tight into his body as if he was trying to keep something of me on him it was heart breaking.

Since I have come home to Australia, which now no longer feels like home but more like a hell I must endure to get back to my true home Siem Reap, all I have thought about is Siem Reap and Sambath. All I want is to be with him, to be back in that life that felt so right and normal.

So thats the story in a nutshell, thats how I got to here. So now I am on a new journey, a journey that is both exciting and scary. A journey that asks me to give everything to get everything, a journey filled with unknowns and risks yet great joys and fantastic moments of truth and honesty and caring.

So we will see, you never know!

Jess

endings and new beginnings

I have this awe inspiring feeling at the moment that there are two things happening in my life right now. One part of my life is ending, dying never to return and there is another part just starting to bloom, just beginning.

It feels strange to have the both things happening at once but it also feels right it feels like it has to happen this way for a reason, for this new stuff to be born to begin the old stuff has to die. There needs to be room for the new stuff.

I would love to sit here and spell it all out for you and I, but right now I am feeling like I shouldn't over analyse this like I do but just let it all happen and then figure it out after its happened. I am hearing that I should stand back and let God do his thing and not get involved, sometimes he doesnt need us to do anything but to be open and honest and let him do his thing and thats what I intend to do.

I know this is a very convuluded post that probably makes no sense whatsoever but its just an insight into how I am feeling today.

stress, good news and relationships

Ok so today has been an extremely stressful day at work. That place is such a mess it drives me insane!

but anyway he has been in contact with me again. I cant get him out of my head, he is all I think about and I have been trying to forget about him but he is my new addiction I cant get off it. So anyway he rings me every now and then after I text him and usually its filled with witty banter and affectionate flirting but today he rang me after a week of no communication and it was all business he just wanted the news and the facts and it was like that was all he could do, he wouldn't allow himself to be or do anything else in that moment. It frustrated me as I have been trying to get over him and he can turn around and contact me but it be all business and thats ok.

I dont know I am not with it tonight but I just needed to get that off my chest. The good thing was I have the upper hand because I am the one who can walk away from this with everything I have in tact he is the one who is stuck. So thats what i intend to do.

So for the good news, now that my rant is over. I got news today that I have another investor in my business which is fantastic. They want my business plan so I have to get that together and send it off with my abn and bank account details so thats very exciting news! Everything is happening just the way its meant to I am sure and I can see God starting to join the dots to make a picture and its very exciting.

So today has been a bit of a mixed bag it reminds me of that forest gump saying "life is like a box of chocolate you never know what your going to get" So I'm taking a bite of everything just to see what it is!

yes another one

ok so I know this will be my third post today but I am in a writing mood. I dont know whether its the atmosphere out here on the balcony looking at the ocean enjoying the breeze and the sun or the wine that I am drinking but never the less the words are flowing so lets go with it....

So I am working on my last two assignments of the semester, I dont think I have mentioned this before but I am actually studying. It does take the back seat to everything else that goes on in my life but I am trying to get through the year so far pretty unscathed. However not sure that I am in the right course to begin with. I am currently studying a masters of education and although it has been interesting and I have learnt a great deal I feel like I am out of my depth and probably should have started with something a little more simple. I am considering taking a year off next year and doing a certificate in TESOL teaching as that is ultimately what I want to do. That is the goal to get overseas and teach and apparently all I need is a cert in TESOL so I am looking into that as we speak.

It is literally only 6 weeks until I fly off on my adventure of a lifetime to Cambodia and Thailand I am really looking forward to this trip. It has been a mammoth journey just getting it organized and I know that it will be amazing and life changing so I am starting to let myself get excited about it now. I will definately be writing about my adventures while I am over there considering I will be by myself and will have no one to talk to!

When I get back from my travels I will be looking fervently for a new job and life will start to change for the better hopefully I wont be stressed and I wont be hating every day not that I am now but mostly I feel a huge burden waking up and knowing I have to go to my job for the day.

I love my life, I love what God has done in it and I look forward to what he will do in the future! I know there are many more adventures to come for me and him.

Until next time...

redirection

This morning I wrote a blog asking what fruit has come out of one year of being a church for my current church. After celebrating today at the one year anniversary with the church and hearing about the journey I realized that the fruit is in the every persons life. Everyone who has come in contact with this church has had God do something amazing in their lives including me. Thats enough isn't it? thats perfect fruit and its fruit ordained by God.

The question that got asked of me today was who are you to question what fruit the vine produces? all you have to see is that the vine produces fruit. It doesn't matter what kind it is. I was humbled by this question that God asked of me and I realized that I was being judgmental in my place of safety and should really be asking myself what kind of fruit am I producing in my life? What is God doing in my life or should it be what am I doing for God in my life?

These are hard questions and I have some answers floating around which I will pin down eventually but I think now its time to stop looking at others and start looking at myself. I was reminded of that scripture that says before you point out the spek in your brothers eyes look at the plank in your own.

So my plan is to celebrate the fruit no matter what kind it is, we need many different fruits to make a fruit salad right? lol

I'm all for fruit diversity!