dilemas dilemas

well I was going to apologize for my lack of updates but then I read everyone else that I follow doing the same thing to start off their blogs and I didnt feel so bad.


So instead of wasting any more time I am just going to launch into everything that has been going on that I can remember to write about. First of all this month has been one of dilemas, I have been faced with a series of dilemas whether they be moral or physical or money based they were all very challenging and very stretching. I had some huge decisions to make. So I am going to start with my latest ones because of course they are the freshest ones on my list....

The first one is very juicy and almost too naughty to even put out there in cyber space but I am going to do it anyway there are only two people in the whole world who know about this and now there will be considerably more than that (if people actually read this thing). So I have a secret crush on my married, 40 year old, father of 3, boss. God it sounds so bad when I put it like that. I know that its all very dramatic and most of all I know that its wrong. I would never act on it that would be adultry and I am not an adultress. I have contemplated whether having the thoughts still counts as adultry, and I dont really have an answer well i do but I dont like it. I am trying very hard to forget about all of this and put it out of my head but its not that easy. This has been building and building from day one which was about 6 months ago now. We have a really good realationship, we bounce things of each other, laugh and joke around, share the same dreams and passions and have deep and meaningful conversations. He has been a real support and inspiration to me and I just cant stop thinking about him. Every look, every touch, every laugh means something huge and its just driving me nuts. I know this is all very bad and I know that I need to fix this situation but he is leaving in four weeks to start a new job and he will no longer be my boos anymore so I am hoping that if I can just hold on for another 4 weeks then he will be gone and so will this.

Anyway so thats my biggest moral dilema at the moment which I struggle with every day.

My other dilema is a little more positive, I am considering starting my own business to take over to Thailand with me so that I can be a teacher and a tutor to kids so they can learn to read, write and speak English. I want to register my business name this week but I am just not sure if its the right time to do that since we are so far away from actually moving to thailand but again my boss has been encouraging me that it would be a good idea and because i care so much about his opinion I am swayed to do it. I have till friday to make up my mind according to him.

Ok well I think thats enough honesty for tonight its making me uncomfortable now....
Now I gotta go to class and learn about assessment and forget all about all of this until tomorrow when we will do it all over again.
Jess

new beginnings

well so much has been happening I havent even had the chance to write it all out. But I feel like I am on the edge of a new beginning. Life is changing and I know that things in my life are dying and things are being born. Its a very exciting but also difficult, I have gained things but I have also lost things.

However the thing I am most excited about at the moment is I am so inspired. There are so many things in my life right now that are just inspiring and uplifting and encouraging me to keep going and see whats coming. Not to fear what is ahead but to be excited and anticipate whats happening.

I learnt about a blogger today who started a blog called 1000 awesome things, he basically documented all the little moments in life when you say thats awesome like when you see a good cloud or you watch a baby smile while asleep. Little things in life that make you happy, keep you positive and enjoying life. I loved this idea and have decided to try and do something similiar, I will attempt to document all the simple pleasures in my life that keep me smiling in the hopes that they will make you smile too. Whoever it is that reads this thing.

So starting with today, my moment that made me smile today was walking in the sunshine while talking with some very good company (the company is for another blog, but hint hint its a guy).

Thats it for today but I will keep you updated!

2:08

its 2:08 am monday morning this is a time I never see usually. But today, this morning I am awake, wide awake I have been all night. I went to bed at 10pm and just lay there wide awake and here I am 5 hours later still wide awake. Today has been a very emotional day and there is so much swirling around in my head that its not surprising that I cant sleep.

It amazes me how human beings work sometimes, the way we behave towards each other astounds me. Lately I have been on the receiving end of some very bad human behaviour and some very intense spiritual attack to go along with that. I know it says to rejoice in suffering but sometimes thats just not possible in the moment. I know this will make me stronger, this will shape me and grow me and make me a better person but right now it feels horrible, right now it hurts and its painful and it makes me sad and angry and tired.

I have 6 days left of this situation but I cant predict the future, I cant predict whats going to happen and how its all going to turn out, right now its not looking very good and our agressor is being very crafty and stubborn so I am not sure what he will do. I know it wont be good either way but I am praying and hoping for a more peaceful ending than a traumatic, violent one. I know either way God is my strength and no weapon formed against me shall prosper but it would be nice for him to leave in peace rather than in war. Fingers crossed.

I have no idea how I am going to get up and go to work tomorrow morning I dont see sleep coming to me any time soon.

you know whats really hard, right now I cant even find joy in the simple things of life, they all seem so far away so distant. All this darkness, all this war and dissention and anger has tainted everything I love, everything that gives me joy including my house, my home. I want it gone, I want my house cleansed and cleaned and the Spirit of God to dwell in it again amongst us through us. I want my house of peace back. I wont rest until that happens.

Sinitusitus

ok so I have been diagnosed with sinusitis. I didnt even know it existed but there you go. I have been feeling so bad like I had a snorkelling mask on too tight for days.

Things at home havent been that great either, I am over the whole situation and I just want him to leave. I cant even look at him any more he makes me that mad.

But one thing at a time right....I have to focus on getting better now, I need that mask off my face.

when words fail you visualize it

Tonight I dont have much to say but I will post these images and you can make of them whatever you will.... One day I will explain them all.

knitting attempt one

ok so my first attempt at knitting did not go well. I'm not giving up entirely but I am giving it up for tonight. I know I am not the most patient person but seriously i could not make that work and it was driving me insane!

My friend Mr Hulk was coming out again.... But I managed to keep him at bay this time around.

I have put the needles down and am stepping away to go make a cup of tea. I will pick them up again at some point when I have calmed down and try again to make this knitting thing work.

the new hobby

ok so my new hobby I have decided to take up today is Knitting!

I used to knit when I was child but I gave it up and I dont remember why, because I did really enjoy it.

So now I am back in the game, I bought myself some 7.00 mm needles and 3 balls of wool all for under $5 which was very exciting and I am going to teaching myself how to knit again.

Should be fun, I will keep you all updated on how it goes. My first project is a scarf for my best friends birthday.

So now the thing is to get started, I believe its called casting on.....